In Choosing

to make a "logical" decision around who I accept as the current tenant of my heartspace, I am unable to reach out to the one who draws my soul out of my body when she kisses me. I do not call, text, facebook her anymore. Today is day one. I am not sure how she feels and I refuse to ask in this retrograde mercury time period, because I know three things...
a) I would do almost anything for her.
b) I want to be with someone who will do almost anything for me.
c) She does not want to do anything that she doesn't want to do.

I have done many things to win the affection and attention of the ones I've desired, and in stretching out of my comfort zone I have strained my integrity. I have bitten my tongue and suspended judgment until I could barely stand myself I was so full of toxicity. This girl is one of the dangerous ones who inspires behaviors I do not wish to exibit. She is broken and I will cut myself deeply on her jagged emotional landscape. I love her and I fucking hate that I do.

At least she is giving me the easiest escape. She doesn't even attempt to maintain my affections. I might be worthless to her. I always tell people "rejection is God's protection" and I believe that is the truth, but it doesn't mean the rejection doesn't feel like a demotion in value. I vibrate at a certain frequency where I believe I cannot share space with those who cannot share the same energy. I keep trying though. I am losing respect for myself in the process of attempting not to contact her and then doing it anyway. It is disgusting.