Confrontation

isn't always a terrible thing, but it is often moderately to severely uncomfortable. Being confronted with myself, my behavior, my sickness, my lies, it seems can only happen when someone else is in front of me, acting as my mirror. "Look at what you've done" is the whisper in my mind, even if you are just saying "Hello".
I am a "til the wheels fall off" type. I exhaust myself on the high of whatever it is I get high on, until I couldn't possibly avail myself of more. Insanity, surrender, or death are my choices. I've flirted with death while embodying the crazy, but ultimately I hope to surrender. My drugs are gone, I can't drink anymore because it doesn't look good on me, but the sex and love I keep chasing to the outskirts of reason. I create triangles and paint myself into a corner with trying to fit into where I think it is you'd like me to be, all the while wondering why I am still lacking in self esteem after all these years of being told I am beautiful and wonderful and nice and calming and comforting. Even my biggest critic, the one who gave me life, said, "look in the mirror, you don't need to settle for these losers". The most frightening thing is, I don't want the winners. I have a fucking inferiority complex and the ones who don't scare the shit out of me. There is a feeling I get in my chest when I get close to the ones that are broken, as though my very soul is being pulled outside of my physical body to meet them in their emptiness. I wonder if I were intact myself if could be pulled out in such a way.
I don't neeeeeeeeeeeeeed anything. I meet my own needs. How valuable is your touch, anyway? I take care of myself, I live pretty well, I take care of my responsibilities. I don't need you to complete me, impregnate me, support me, validate me...do I?