I'm tired

of the cycle that I have known for so many years, the one that involves me loving who I shouldn't and then hurting when they don't get better and give me what I always knew they had the ability to, deep down, as though they were just keeping it hidden away from those who tried to love them that didn't do it right. I will win this honor. I will be the ONE who has the right amount of patience, tolerance, understanding, empathy, compassion, and care. I will learn how to lick your wounds until you come in my mouth and when you see my face as you are flooded with oxytosin, you will cry because you are finally feeling safe and warm and loved and wanted. I will love you better. I will make you well. I will then feel accomplished because maybe I even saved your life, your spirit, your sanity! I have probably given you hope where you had none left at all, considering how many other girls have fucked you over. I will love you right. I will ever-so-gently show you the way of normalcy.
And you know, I am particularly qualified for this job because it was my responsibility to save my mom from herself. Yes, through all the boyfriends that drank and cheated and made her cry, I was always there. I felt her pain as she pushed me away and wouldn't accept my hugs because I wasn't the one she wanted the love from. I couldn't help her pay the bills and I wasn't the one who made her feel validated, but now I can do these things for YOU, increasing my worth in your eyes! Yes, I am great in bed and generous too. I know anger and hurt and sadness and all of the manifestations that will erupt from you will not be about me, I will look at you, saddened that you have to feel it at all, and stroke your hair and love you through my eyes and you will stop and realize it isn't necessary. You will start to make a living because you see that it is worth trying when you have a girl who loves you right.
I, on the other hand, will implode with self-loathing because I am so stupid to try and love you based on what you have said to me, done to me, not done for me. I will be so worried about how you are doing that I can't possibly even know how I am doing. I would most certainly feel better if you were better, my Love. Why won't you try harder to care about your own life simply because I care about you and I am a girl who deserves a good partner. Can't you try a little harder?
No, you can't and neither could the last one. The one before that was very self-sufficient but she bored the hell out of me. The one before her didn't see how valuable I was because she didn't need me and didn't tell me she wanted me, so I left before she had a chance to go first. It has been heartbreak after heartbreak, and I look in the mirror at my aging skin and hope that you will be the one who gets it before I have to use my fading sex appeal to seduce someone else into falling in need with me.
I am arrogant. I get that. I am codependent and sick and scared that I won't be able to disentangle from this web of lies we've told ourselves and each other. I want to let you go, with love. I think I will.